i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
