Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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