please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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