I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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