it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
