just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
