i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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