I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
