I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
