He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
