shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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