How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
