There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
