if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
