my phone needs a breathalizer
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
