fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
