Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
