i would punch a child for taco bell
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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