At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
