I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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