I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
