Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
