god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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