WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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