i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
