dude i'm inner monologue high
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize