and i looked up. we had an audience...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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