You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
