Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
