onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
