i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
