upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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