I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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