I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
