I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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