She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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