My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
