I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
