I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
