If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
