its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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