Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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