im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
