My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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