answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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