Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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