We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
