I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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