I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
