Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
