So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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