tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
50% drunk capacity currently
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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