The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
