do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
