he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
