Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize