We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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