I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
