Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize